Childhood leukaemia blog

Guilt – At diagnosis

Was it my fault? Why him and not me? Why didn’t I know? How long had he been sick for? I had been telling people how lazy Andrew was because he often refused to walk. I had been hard on him telling him he couldn’t have a piece of cake in the café unless he walked around the nature trail without me having to carry him. I was frustrated that all he wanted to do was sit and watch TV listlessly. I was annoyed that he wasn’t settling into pre-school and was teary because this was finally time I had to myself.

Guilt – During treatment

Was I being a good enough parent to Clara? Was I doing enough at work, in my new job? Was I being a fun enough mummy for Andrew? How much TV was too much? Should I be going out and having fun with friends at the weekend when there is so much to do at home? Was I being a good enough wife? After the shock of diagnosis and instant splitting up of the family, Joseph and I didn’t actually see each other to talk to, for more than 5 minutes, until almost a whole week later when both sets of parents were involved. We went to a pub and knowing that time was limited we couldn’t think of a thing to say whilst knowing that there was so much to talk about. Being together was the important thing and trying to find some normal. Guilty feelings would creep in the times (Joseph and Andrew were inpatient) my parents had to sleep overnight in our house so that I could go to work at 7am and leave Clara asleep in bed. The times I would take Clara to school unable to tell her who would be picking her up. The time, in the middle of an intense cycle of chemotherapy, when Clara had been complaining all day about her toe hurting. On removing the sock her stitches from a recent operation were infected and swollen. The times in steroid week when I NEEDED to escape Andrew who just wanted to be cuddled, be held or stroke me. I felt claustrophobic. The times I gave Andrew oral methotrexate on a Wednesday before a lumbar puncture (where methotrexate was injected into his spine) throwing everything off schedule. The times we forgot to give Andrew his chemo at bedtime – would that mean he would relapse?